葆有灵性的可能性?
明天一早，我猜阳光会好…18岁是天堂，我们的生活甜得像糖。 – New Boy 朴树
「 轻松一下, windows 98.」最近被译风推荐朴树的一首歌 New Boy, 似乎把我带回了年少时代，那时对明天和未来总有阳光明媚的期待。年少的我确实有更多的勇气去想象，去梦想一个可能的未来。我知道，这种力量仅仅存在于青春中，即便无人会永远年轻，但是新的世代却总自然而然地葆有这种独特的生命的精神力量。
越轨和离奇的场景，在2020年见识了不少。一些出乎意料的生活事件，也逐渐让我认识到自己身上的这样那样的缺点，是个非常矛盾的个体：爱幻想，不敢面对残忍的现实，爱看小说，却学了社会学，可能是回避型依恋人格吧。
当成为社畜之后，工作人格似乎和日常的生活人格划不开界限，当被寄托了重任，被角色规训，被赋予期待，那么即便是身处虚拟的聊天对话框或是Zoom会议室，个人的专业性也无法逃脱微笑弧度的桎梏。如果有这样一本工作圣经告诉你，生活和工作之间有非常明晰的界限，那么他八成在扯淡，至少我是这么想的。 情感劳动的研究案例已经有很多了：空姐的明眸皓齿，服务生的善意逢迎，护士们的轻言细语…也许假笑男孩之所以会如此流行，可能也是一种新世代们对于情感约束(被管理的心)的反叛吧。
SOLO化社会，情感劳动似乎显得更加重要。原子化的人们距离太远，只关注自身的价值，似乎也只能在公共空间寻找标准化的温暖笑容。然而当我们需要亲密关系时，必然带来因为和他人产生紧密联结的麻烦和不自由，也必然带来时间注意力的牺牲，个人在方方面面的妥协和让步。
成长的重要一步是，需要深深地认可为得到每一样想要的东西所付出的成本，认识到为了满足物欲，情欲，自我成就感和满足感所必须付出的代价。没有任何人因为努力工作而会享有双倍的人生时间奖励，时间驯服了我，成年的我。
清醒地认识到了这一点，似乎让我渐渐消除了对于不完美的真实社会和挑战的恐惧。以前的我，非常完美主义，对于任何方面都想尽善尽美，而且我也认为完美的世界是理所当然。但如今，我想自己似乎也能有多一些勇气，来拥抱这个有些破碎的世界并为之妥协。理想化的世界很美，资源无穷，人人和美；但真正面对如今这个满目疮痍的世界，资源有限，自私，猜忌，战争和仇恨无时无刻不在上演，每一种情绪，每一次冲突，都是千万年间的社会之中的人们曾经历过的，但也是直到如今的人们都无法摆脱的，就像那块压在西西弗斯手臂之上的大石头。在这样的对立和焦虑中，平衡内心和外在之美才似乎有了其独特魅力，明知是永恒轮回，却始终葆有希望。
他跪倒在空无的面前，伸开双臂求助于一个他明知是空无的惨淡天空。
伸开双臂，是无比地自由，以至于忘了那无尽的折磨带来的肉体折损；仰望天空，是明媚的太阳和柔和的月光，自然的气息; 命运的漠然在时间分秒的流逝中已经不再重要，因为人的存在，情感的羁绊，真实且生生不息，简单却足够具有韧性。
The kennel of inspiration is balancing, not abusing or over-drafting
Have a relax, window 98. When I heard the shining lyrics from New Boy, seems like I was brought back to early childhood, always have positive expectations for tomorrow and near future. Back then, I did have more courage to imagine and dream about a possible future. I know that unique power only exists for youth, even though no one will be young forever, new generations always carries out such distinctive spiritual power of life in nature.
Derail is not impossible, as we have witnessed for the Year 2020. Bizarre events and interactions happened to me with no warnings ahead. Controversially, I was a girl who cannot confront with the reality and abandoned myself into dreaming. I read dozens of romantic novels while took sociology as my major back to college. Probably I am suffering from avoidant personality disorder just like some nerds will label themselves with such tag to avoid blames.
After becoming a salary girl, the boundary of life and work seems vague for me. I am taking another role in the professional scene, being expected to be a qualified worker, while even in the virtual chatting box or zoom video, I am still the one who loved to smile without blinking my eyes. If anyone tell you there is a clear-cut between work and life, then it must be bullshit as far as I know. Emotional labors have been studied since Arlie Hochschild, she talked about the managed heart which delineated the invisible costs of emotional labor for servants, flight attendants and nurses. I guess this is why the fake smile boy is so popular among Chinese youth, somehow represented their disobedience towards the managed heart.
In SOLO society, emotional labor seems to be far more critical than ever, since each atom of individual stays away with each other, focused too much on their own value, it seems hard for them to find an alternative for the standard smile services offered otherwhere except for public sphere. However, when we are in need of close relationship with others, no matter they are lovers, family members or just friends, it will certainly lead to troubles and loss of sense of freedom due to commitment of your own time, effort and attention.
Adulting requires a firm recognition of costs and prices that you want to pay for each product you desired, while in childhood no one has ever taught us how the price tag will affect the choice that we finally make. No one’s gonna get rewarded with double or triple time with their effort, limited time disciplined me, an adult girl.
Recognizing the price theory means a lot to me, I became less scared of facing the reality and brutal truth. Previously, I was a perfectionist, tried my best to attain what I assumed is right, and also persuade others to accept my opinion. What is more, I also took an ideal society as granted. While now, I would have more courage to embrace this broken society, and stay compromised when needed for making it better. The shiny ideal world was a draw for me, appealing personality and unlimited resources are always there for everyone.
Nevertheless, if we just take a closer a look at the world we are living in, water and food are limited, people are fighting each other to get a sense of security, war continues in Lebanon, religiously hard working people suicide, selfish tycoons earned thousands of times incomings, the rights of the elderly people were deprived easily, hate speech are everywhere on social media. All sorts of events and emotions were experienced in the past hundreds of years. Sadly, none of these puzzles can be tackled, history repeats itself just like the boulder endlessly pushed on Sisyphus in the myth. In such a conflicting and extreme society, people were held in captivity by anxiety, depression, eating disorders and so on. A balance of power in heart and pressure from external society is worth noting. Although no expectation for final settlement, Sisyphus keeps a way up.
Camus claims that when Sisyphus acknowledges the futility of his task and the certainty of his fate, he is freed to realize the absurdity of his situation and to reach a state of contented acceptance. With a nod to the similarly cursed Greek hero Oedipus, Camus concludes that “all is well,” indeed, that “one must imagine Sisyphus happy.”
Outspreading the arms, freedom comes to me rustle and hustle that Sisyphus didn’t recall the pain brought to him by endless pushing. When looking skyward, sunshine land moonlight leak to his eyes, natural breathe being taken. The certainty of his fate does not matter any longer, cause for him, his destiny is human’s destiny, as long as the youth power exists, the interactions of people will last, love will never end, even simple, but robust enough to resist the endless boulder rolling torture.
