It has been around 6 weeks since my on-boarding.
Life has not changed much while some emotions do appear in my heart. Regarding the suicidal videos go viral on the platform and someone who always try to chat with me, these disturbance do make life seems more tough for me. Gradually, I picked up a style of mine. Avoiding to confront with the truth and puzzles, I was someone planning ahead for a long time.
Fly me to the moon was a lyric presented to show the euphoric feelings of being with someone I love. It was quite new for me. I have never tried to capture such feeling. What is worse, I gradually abandon the thoughts of finding someone to accompany by. I don’t really enjoy the cheesy texts or tacky make-up. However, I cannot accept something lacking worldliness but I am heading that way.
I am sad about myself, stay up late, wasting my precious time hanging around. I feel ashamed and nothing can be done to prevent me from thinking this way. It is dangerous naivete for yearning for a simple life, without any conditions. The torn-apart myself seems lack of confidence, bored and depressed. I am slowly grasping the rules of such a brutal society. Part of the reason I have had more visibility for the life puzzle is due to my reach-out to somebody.
To be honest, I am having some expectation for romantic relationship. Somebody that has admirable qualities, inspiring minds and comparable knowledge as of mine. It seems that I am asking too much in parents’ eyes.
In this city, people are so cold-blooded that it is even hard for me to recall the bitterness due to the arrival of Covid-19. The public opinion crisis back to Feb. seems to be a strip of memory which can be easily deleted by manipulating the propaganda machine. In some ways, I am familiar with the methods, to suppress different voices in a patriarchy society. Somebody needs to keep a record of the history, that is called ‘something eulogized by people’.
There shall always be something higher to be my pursuit. Beyond the sole tasks, it is more about our own missions in the life history.
` Corny` things can be minor:
Consider the so-called Chinese water torture: a drop continuously hitting the same spot on your head, never letting you recover.
The repetitive and endless days can be stressed for people. In the Anti-Fragile, Nassim talked about the unique feature of an organic complex, that its is self-healing and enjoys high degree of interdependence. Indeed, I think I need more time to conduct the self-healing process while the truth is that I also the excitement brought by randomness. The modern cubicles are not the home for inspiration, instead, only the natural urgency can inspire thirst for an opportunity for change.
Who designed the production line? Who invented the cubicles? Companies made little, bitty cubicles and stuff people in. Everyone is trapped in the tiny cell, yes, that is cell. Barren, rathole places. Stressors are everywhere, we just did not realize that.
